On Betrayal. (with additional side-rant on nonconformity)

This isn’t for a particular person. This is for an entire group of people. The people I thought were “real.” The people I thought could handle my flaws, could handle my strengths, could handle me having a bad day and a good one. The people I felt so ready to devote my time and effort to. The people that come to mind when I think of those “close” to me.

I don’t just feel disappointed. I feel betrayed on many levels.

I won’t get into details, because drama is not my ballgame. I’m more of a blunt, to-the-point-argument type of person. I will say, however, that the current situation I’m in annoys me in the sense that not only do I have utmost contempt for the behavior of these people, using their own personal suffering and my past mistakes to speak lowly of me and despise my recent gains, but the fact that these same people who grimace and whine behind closed doors have the audacity to grin and embrace me. Or at least some of them do. Some of them just don’t speak to me and pretend I don’t exist. Or that they didn’t hear me. I’m not sure which I hate more at this moment.

Considering our age, I was expecting a higher level of maturity with acceptance of things. While my flaws tend to eat away at my being, so do the flaws of others. I can’t say I’m handling my life perfectly, because I’m not, but I can say that it’s not wrong to hope for the same amount of respect for myself that I try to uphold for others

But at any rate, I dedicate this post to all of the not-so-perfect, I’ve-made-a-mistake, overly-forgiving, nonjudgmental, straight up people who have been lied to, blackmailed, back-stabbed, secretly hated, betrayed, abandoned, and otherwise had their friendship forgotten. To those who lost a friend, were fooled to think they had one, or never had one in the first place. The voices that sound ignorant, despite the amount reason they may hold in their hearts.

I may not deserve the acceptance that I seek, but I know many others do. To think that now I’m an unhappy nonconformist and freshman year I was one of the social butterflies is astonishing. I had friends in high places and low places alike. Now? I’m not so sure. I don’t have a crew, I don’t have a solid “best friend,” I don’t have the best grades in the school, I don’t even wear matching clothes. I’m too lazy to wear my contact lenses, I listen to Dr. Dre, Lupe Fiasco, Chiodos, and Marilyn Manson. I don’t even brush my hair some mornings. I was happy before, but with recent events, I start questioning my way of life. Like maybe the comfort of a “tribe” is what I need to cope with things, or maybe if I had the best grades ever I’d actually feel like I belong in this school, or maybe if I matched my clothes and tried improving on my appearance more often I’d actually have a decent conversation that would start BECAUSE of my outfit. But most importantly, maybe if I actually had the friends I thought I had, I’d be a better person.

However, I’m done chasing what-ifs. There is one year of high school left, and I still have a few people that still actually give a damn about me. Those are the only ones that really matter anyway. Because despite time, flaws, therapy, relapses, and the simple lack of classes together, I can still say I trust them with my life, past, present, and future. And yes, despite my angst and teenaged loneliness, I’ve never been luckier.

- Therese